I recently had a crucial conversation with my Mother. It started out with her just checking in on me to see how I was doing, her knowing I’d just received my second dose of vaccination for COVID 19, in my line of work.
After we’d finished discussing this topic, she asked me if there was anything else I wanted to say to her. At first, I hesitated inside, but in this case, my heart and spirit won out, and I carefully and bravely began to share some things I’ve had issues with family members for many years.
I went on to express and share openly, telling her how I felt. She listened, and when I was done, she spoke, and I listened. Together we were able to learn from each other, and see more of the picture of the puzzle to these painful and unsolved matters.
As we spoke truth in love one to another, as illuminated by honesty and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, the very real and impassible barriers of emotional and mental turmoil were opened, and I could finally begin to choose my pathway home, of healed and repaired relationships.
My spiritually relatable thoughts on this are as follows:
Relationships are based on love, love is built on trust, and trust is built on communication. If we stop communicating, we stop trusting, and thus loving.
Being away from someone to get some space to learn and grow is fine. In fact, this is the best choice in many cases. However, in the Lord’s good timing, a window will be opened, and the Spirit will direct when it’s good, and how to reach out to make amends and forgive. Many times, people who’ve really been hurt, close off their hearts to protect themselves from getting hurt again. While this serves its purposes, there also comes a time when strength in vulnerability has a place.
Life is so precious. So are relationships and salvation. They go hand in hand. We need each other. Don’t let pride, fear, jealously, past fights, selfishness, arguments or anything else win the war over you and your family line, both past, present or future. Your division effects not only you and your individual disputes. They effect both before and beyond, and sadly, into the eternities, where it will be harder to resolve such tragedies. Trust me, you will want to be more proactive in your building of family ties, if you knew what you’d be losing, and the glories you could’ve gained and enjoyed.
There was a time in my life, when I had been tried on different medications, none of which had worked. I had been unstable, and piled upon with much abuse, torment and emotional and mental strain. Even having experienced ritualistic abuse, and an injection of a poisonous drug, which gave me the severest of mental illnesses, and also brain damage. Even such, that I had unspeakable mental and emotional baggage, increased demonic torturing, because of having a thinner spiritual veil (giving them a more direct access to me), and an all around life damage, which only God could undo and correct, and over a much longer period of time in my life than I could have ever known or anticipated at the time.
One night however, while I was still fresh in the beginning of my recovery, having finally been tried on a new medication that actually started to work, I had been watching an inspirational video on tape (VHS). This video portrayed a young man who in high school back in the ‘80’s had been a phenomenal athlete.
He was and is a Latter-Day Saint, and starred in baseball, wrestling and football. He had many great things going for him, including scholarships, which he was very excited about, and was planning to utilize, and even marrying his high school sweetheart. One night however, when he was driving to see her at her dance competition in Springville, UT, he was very tired, and fell asleep at the wheel. When he woke, he was facing an oncoming semi-truck, and Tyler over-corrected his vehicle to miss the collision, but in doing so he rolled his vehicle several times.
Tyler was left a survivor, and a quadriplegic. Instead of letting his new life take him and his ambitions down, and love for excelling in life, he did not relent, but became and did other things, which surpassed many others in a similar predicament.
He pushed and pushed himself into and throughout his recovery and rehabilitation, in very rigorous and devoted ways. He wanted the blessings!
After watching this video of him, entitled, Tyler, A Real Hero, narrated by Steve Young, I was powerfully moved upon. It was later in that same evening, while walking through the living room area of my parent’s home in California, that I said into the wide expanse above, “Tyler, I want to meet you.”
Later that night, I then said my prayers, and went to bed. Then, in my disheveled dreams, I was among the unhealthy individuals I associated with, in my not too far distant past, playing football with them. Then, Tyler appeared there, and he was on my team. He was with me, giving me confidence and advice, and soon we conquered and walked away from the game.
Somehow I found myself in the living room with him, where he was standing in the very place I had cried out my heart’s desire to meet him.
He began to talk with me. “So, I understand that you are going through a hard time right now.” he said.
And then he told me how he had also been through some very difficult things. He exhorted me to start going forward again, and that things which were holding me back for so long were gone. He advised me to make good of my situation.
I began complaining saying, “But you don’t know what I’ve been through, what it’s like. You can’t possibly understand.”
“Yeah, maybe,” he stated, “but you can still do as I’ve done, and overcome.”
Then I continued complaining to him, saying, how hard it was, and that he had no idea. I then said, “This isn’t real, how is this even possible anyway!? You’re alive somewhere else, and I’m here!”
He then said, “We have our ways.”
To which I said, I can’t do this, and you can’t help me!”
To which he replied, “Then why did you ask me here?”
And he was slowly gone…
I then walked over to the family stereo, touched it, and inspected it, then looked around, and went back to my bedroom, got under my blankets, and went to sleep.
Jesus Christ saves us from our sins, not in them. In that regard, we are to make goodly choices and acts of righteousness, to become more like our Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ. However, this is only possible through the power in Jesus Christ and His atonement, with His grace in the first place, in which we have the power to do so.
Further, our very existence, both spiritually and physically, are also dependant on our Lord’s atonement offering, for we would have ceased to be as Spirit embodiment, if the atonement were not already prepared, and to be carried forth, for because of sin and transgression, no man can self exist.
Time was something God created, so that we could learn by faith, to accept the Lord’s atonement, and not be obliterated. It’s something similar to dreaming during sleep, yet still having control over our actions. It’s a state that we can be judged for, but not eternally condemned. We may not understanding how the Lord’s atonement works both before and beyond its act of being wrought, but still it does, because it is an eternal act, and God is not subject to time the way we are. All things are present before our Father in Heaven, and all things proceed as one eternal round.
Every act of love and goodness, comes from Him, through what he so lovingly wrought, as he suffered with us and for us, in His experience of creating the sacred atoning sacrifice on our behalf.
In addition, because Adam and Eve partook of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, resulting in the fall, they were then physically able to have children, this because the fruit from this tree was created with seed already in itself, which abilities to reproduce were passed into Adam and Eve when they partook, whereas the other fruits from every other tree in the garden did not yet, until the Lord did curse the earth for their sake.
With the fall, the atonement, which grants an extension of life, and our probationary state, making salvation and exaltation possible, we can now, because of our Father’s marvelous plan of reconciliation, gain the knowledge, wisdom and experience necessary to have the foundation to become like Him, and receive all the blessings of inheritance He has, just as a child can grow up to eventually be as their parents.
The atonement and fall, and our eternal progression are necessary, and absolutely needed to happen! It was foreordained and sanctified in the heavens to take place upon our earth, and Praise the Lord, it has!
The Lord’s atonement is for all of God’s children, to take effect on all, in the way that it can, for because Jesus Christ descended below ALL, even Lucifer and his devils, who chose to not follow Jesus Christ, and put themselves in a position where they cannot, and will not do anything good, at least benefit from it in the form of staying alive as to their spirits, to not disassemble and cease to exist, as beings in their current state of progressed experience.
But as for access to the light as comes from the Lord Himself, which is the light of Christ, a special gift given to all those born into mortality, Satan cannot have, nor can he comprehend. For he rejected this, and placed himself and his followers in a state, where again, they cannot, and will not do anything good.
The condition of Satan and his followers, of not being able to do works of righteousness at all (no agency), having denied themselves that privilege when they denied Jesus Christ, is a mercy in their own predicament. For because they cannot do anything good, they are at least afforded the ability to have existent life through Jesus Christ, who descended below all, allowing them to have the opportunity to carry out their own oppositional missions.
But make no mistake, after this life they too will be judged, according to their actions, and they will eventually be burned and purged clean in the realms of hell, known as outer darkness, where there shall be brimstone and burning, weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Further, Adam and Eve would have also died in the very day they would have partaken of the fruit, both spiritually and physically, literally. However, because of the pre-interposed atonement, their days were lengthened, and their probationary state granted.
We all needed the fall, and the atonement, as a one package deal, so that we could be born into mortality, and have the opportunity to repent, learn, grow, and progress towards God, as we move forward on our life’s covenant path and mission, and onward into death, as it pertains to the physical body.
There will then be restored unto us, the full measure of what we meted while on the earth, to receive our reward of that which we have chosen and desired, for earth life provides the necessary opportunities we need, and could not have obtained in our pre-earthly heavenly realm.
In the suffered atonement experience, the Savior took all ill and evil for all of God’s children, including the ones who chose to lose their agency, or the ability to do good, introducing them to earth to tempt us, even the adversary, because they rejected the Savior. They will have to suffer for their own sins, even as they are now influencing us to do evil. Jesus Christ is the undergirding principle of life for all, because of who He is, what He did, and all He continues to do.
Then, while the righteous are enjoying eternal life (God’s lifestyle), those who originally followed Satan, including the sons of perdition, will be cast out into outer darkness, where they will be burned and purged clean, not by their own choice, but by force, into the lake of fire and brimstone. They will stay there for all of their “3rd estate,” during which time we will be enjoying ours in glory, in the kingdom in which we have attained through Jesus Christ’s aid in love, grace, repentance, forgiveness and obedience.
Then, after finally becoming clean, the adversary will then come to themselves, and to their senses, and begin to make their long, arduous, and difficult trek home, up until the Great Morning of Reconciliation, wherein all things that which were lost, even the ultimate prodigals, shall be found and return. “For he was dead, and is alive again.”
For God is a perfect God, with perfect love, and a perfect plan, and He will not lose any of His children, nor our Mother(s) in Heaven.
Once we are all through with our third estate, we will all be called up again, unto another next higher, greater and better 1st, 2nd and 3rd estate, wherein we will all begin again, with another pre-mortal, mortal and post mortal life, with a greater eternal prospect and circumstance. For it has been done before, and will be done again, all thought out eternal lives.
Lucifer, and our other brothers and sisters who followed him too, will then finally also be called up, and able to re-join us, having become again children of God by suffrage, with the divine penitence of children, in this next eternal life, having completely played out their roles of helping us grow to achieve our exalted status, wherein all things will have been forgiven and forgotten, and life for us all will move forward, and on into this next eternal life. For even the adversary, who needed to progress, needed this experience of complete and utter rebellion, to be able to move on to his next steps and lessons.
Everyone will always have a different role to play throughout the eternities, and they will each change with every eternal life we experience, all in the context and concourse of our growth in the eternities, and eternal lives.
In 1990 at the age of 14, I started exhibiting mental illness symptoms. Although without reliable medication until age 21, I was able to graduate High School, through some home schooling the last semester of my senior year, as well as through a week of school in an adolescent psychiatric hospital in Southern California, called Mesa Vista. I was hospitalized two times there within a one-year period in their locked adolescent unit, both in 1994 and 1995 at age 17. This was through Kaiser Permanente Health Care, which my Dad utilized through his work’s health insurance.
During my second concurrent stay in this adolescent hospital, which was only several months after the first, near the end of my stay, one of the counselors finally made the statement that he thought I might have schizophrenia.
When I got home and told my Dad, he was upset and overwhelmed, but as time went on, it was a relief to him to understand more of what I was facing. Almost two years later as an adult, I was hospitalized two more times. The first in 1996 at age 20 in the Mesa Vista Adult Hospital Facility, another locked Unit, even though I had still not been diagnosed. While there, they started testing me for mental illnesses, and tried different medications, none of which worked.
The second locked adult unit hospital stay came in January of 1997, when my Dad again used his work benefits, but this time I stayed at the Grossmont Psychiatric Hospital, also in Southern California. While there, I was finally put on Risperdal, a three-week brand-new medication which helped a lot.
Once I was back home, my Mom and Dad seemed to see that I was a completely different person, all in about 5 weeks! After 3 months, I became medication incompliant, because the emotional turmoil inside me, which I began to feel more readily because my brain’s chemistry being more balanced, it was too much for me to handle at that time, so I stopped taking the medications.
It was at this time that my Father arranged for me to live in a Board and Care facility, where they provided room, food, and medication assistance. I was there for 8 months, until the end of July of 1997.
While there I returned to medication, after having a spiritual experience, which I’ll describe here: I was visiting a friend, at which point in the visit I was alone in his room, listening to his Latter-Day Saint church music. I was there contemplating taking the medication again. It was then that I had the Holy Spirit say to me in a still small, yet audible whisper, “Shane, you need to take the medication. It will slow you down, but in the long run, it’s what you need.” And so, recognizing this for what it was, I did.
After stabilizing back on my medication, and after 8 months’ time, I was able to return to my family’s home again to live.
In 1998, when I turned 22, my Kaiser Permanente Psychiatrist asked me how I was doing. I told him that I felt the medicine Risperdal was starting to fail, and stop working. He said he had heard cases of where this had happened. I told my Dad about this, and he was concerned. My belief and understanding, is that the body sees the medications as a foreign substance, and begins to build up a resistance to it.
A week later, my Dad had me meet with a Doctor who worked directly with his work agency, for my Dad was a Therapist. This Doctor, Doctor Diachic, re-diagnosed me with Schizoaffective and Bipolar Disorders, and knew what medications and what doses to put me on. She had me on Zyprexa and Depakote, and extremely high doses of both, even more than is recommended. I progressed well with these.
Two years later at the age of 24, I had improved enough to be called to serve a Temple Service Mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, at the San Diego Temple in La Jolla, California.
My Dad had counseled with very many young missionaries, through his work as a therapist for the church, who had tried staying in the mission field, most of whom could not, for various mental and emotional reasons, so he was excited about this latest development in the church, which began piloting a program to make church service missions available for young adults, as an alternative to traditional proselytizing missions. I strongly believe that this was in part to the three letters my Dad had personally written to the First Presidency of the church over the years concerning this specific need and matter.
It was finally on the 24th of October 2000, when my mission began. I had gone with my Dad to the Temple three days prior on the 21st, to receive my own Temple Covenants, so I could be fully qualified to serve.
After I had served for one year, my family wanted to test my ability to venture out on my own. They helped me move out at age 25, with the help of the Social Security Income I was receiving as a disabled person. I moved into a Senior Living Unit, which I could live at because of my disability.
While there, I finished my mission, and continued to be active in church, with friends, and activities with other young adults my age.
After my mission, about 1 year later, my family needed a change of scenery, so they moved to Utah. Three months before they moved however, I again met with Doctor Diachic, because my medications were again losing their ability to help. She put me on Abilify, a newer medicating, which began to work great!
With this, my family all moved, except for one sister, who had just married, and was living in the newly remodeled old family home.
After successfully living on my own for 4 and a half years with no roommates at all, two of which I only had this sister living nearby, and having acquired a job in 2005, in a sheltered work environment through my church, at a Deseret Industries in Chula Vista California, I received a call from my Mom. She said that they decided to buy a house in Utah, and that they would let me come live in the condo they had originally purchased when they moved there.
They moved out December 31, 2005, and I moved in January 1, 2006, after the biggest young single adult Church New Year’s Southern California Bash in history. I loved it!
Once in Utah, I immediately got a job with the help of my Dad, through this same Deseret Industries, a thrift store outreach program to help people get back on their feet through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Other jobs soon followed, each one an improvement from the last.
While living in Orem Utah, and working at this Deseret Industries in Provo, and 2 months after moving to Utah, I met my future wife Katherine, while performing my Church calling of Young Single Adult Ward Representative for the Stake Institute (Ward meaning congregation, and Institute meaning religious instruction Institution). We dated for five months, were engaged for five months, and married by the and of the year in the Saint George Latter-Day Saint Temple. It was 8 days before the 2007 New Year, and I was 30 years old.
Three months later, I received a letter that my medical and financial benefits had been stopped, because I had married someone who is not disabled. This made it impossible for me to purchase medication at this time. This time lasted for three months.
At this period of trial and great alarm, I received a priesthood blessing from a friend visiting from California, which made it so I would not completely crash and lose all my progress, but rather that the digression would be slowed, and I would be able to get back up on my feet, once medication was restored to my mental health maintenance.
After three months’ time of no medication, I slowly regressed, yet still fought to maintain my mental health. I then finally received my Medicaid (medical) Health Benefits back, and received a Medicaid Card in the mail, which allowed me to once again receive medication. My SSI income was still denied, of which I’m glad, because I don’t want to live in such a way where I receive something for nothing.
From there I again fought my way forward, even becoming healthier than I had ever been, and on less medication than before. This is so because as I had previously been on medication, which dulled my emotional response, making it impossible for me to deal with the deeper inner emotional baggage and turmoil I still had, I was suddenly without the medication. With the priesthood blessing I was given, and having the Holy Spirit with me, I was held up enough to be able to deal with these emotional problems, as I slowly digressed. Then when I again got back on medication, and no longer had that deeper layer of inner emotional turmoil, I not only improved again, but was also able to function even higher and better, and continue in my progress, which is something that had stopped for me previous to this experience, because I had plateaued in my progress. I had been fighting and fighting through the pain, but only getting worse, as it had begun to drag me down.
Then, once back on medication, and the baggage gone, I continued to move up and forward, which I understand is very difficult to do, after not talking medications for an extended period of time. I was able to do so because of the truths and the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ living in me, made possible through His suffering. Building on the foundation of Jesus Christ and his restored gospel, is the only way, and a great defense against relapse. It really works!
I continued on Abilify and Depakote from July of 2007 to July 2011, when I then felt I needed something extra help with my anxiety. I found a Psychiatrist who recommended a drug called Cilexa, which is commonly used for anxiety. This gradually began to help, until I felt my symptoms were manageable, but not perfect.
In 2009, I started a one-year Technical school course in Medical Office Administration at M-Tech College. I graduated in 2010, also fulfilling a successful externship, provided by the school at the Utah State Mental Hospital in Provo, Utah, which place I chose to gain office experience, but I did not then get a job in the medical office administration field.
In November of 2014, I again felt the main psychiatric medicine stop working. First it was Risperdal, then Zyprexa, and now Abilify!
I tried to find the same Doctor I had previously used, who had prescribed the Celixa, but he had retired a year before. There was another psychiatrist I went to, who asked me about Zyprexa. I told him I had been on it once before, but it had not lasted. He asked if I would be willing to consider trying it again. I asked him if I could pray about it there in his office. He said yes, so I took one minute. 30 seconds to pray, and 30 to listen. I then told the Doctor, “Yes, let’s do it!” I was then on Zyprexa, Depakote and Cilexa. They worked very effectively for me.
In November 2012, I started working for a company called Chrysalis, which is a company which provides group home assisted living for mentally, developmentally, emotionally and/or physically challenged individuals. I was a Direct Support Professional (DSP), and enjoyed it very much. While employed there, I cared directly for the individual’s needs, providing outings, talk time, daily care and giving them medications.
Then in November of 2015, another miracle happened. I had never asked my Dad for a priesthood blessing of healing, because I felt it was not God’s will for me, believing that there was inspired purpose for my struggle. However, during a visit with him, I felt inspired, and even constrained by the Holy Spirit, to ask him for one. We set up a time, and my family gathered for the occasion. Although this blessing did not heal the mental illnesses, as I had originally thought it would, it did heal the brain damage I had received, when I had originally been given these mental illnesses at age 17.
Suffice it to say, my mental and emotional issues never came from my family per se. I was not born with these mental illnesses, nor did I get them from overwhelmed stress, although there was plenty of that my entire life. Also, I never messed around with drugs, alcohol, sex outside of marriage, or anything else that was unhealthy or damaging. Howbeit at those times I was too unpopular for anyone to even approach me on these topics, so I was protected in that regard.
My abuse came from a Satanic cultist “family,” who had kids my age, and lived around the corner on a side street. They tied me in emotionally to them, in a way in which I will explain here. Because I could not remember the satanic ritualistic abuse I had suffered at their hands at age six, after which they had given me the earliest and only antipsychotic medicine at the time, Haldol, these memories were blocked out as a coping mechanism. Yet, I still felt somehow that something was wrong, and believed that if I could fix them, I could also fix myself.
This is one of the reasons these cults do ritualistic abuse to kids in the first place. They know that children will attempt to resolve any lost part of themselves, by making “friends” with the enemy, and always return to them to do so. I would always find ways to “hang out” with them, rather than my own family if I could. It wasn’t until years later, when I was stabilized on medication, that I even had these ritualistic abuse events come to my remembrance, and in great detail.
Now returning, after the blessing my Dad had given me, I felt very different, in a very good way. As I had closed my eyes during the blessing, I saw beautiful light neon blue pulses, flash in a very interesting repeated pattern three times. Someone once told me later that this color represents healing. Now after this, according to the words of the blessing, I did something very dangerous. I went off all my medications cold turkey, thinking that the difference I felt was the healing of the mental illnesses, no knowing that this was actually healing from brain damage I didn’t know I incurred, at the time I also received the illnesses through injection.
This is dangerous to do, because of the heavy withdrawals one goes through, immediately after cutting out these controlled substance medications.
Because of this, and after struggling at work, they found an indiscreet way to fire me. This time off my medications was once again a time frame of 3 months. I again realized spiritually, though in a different way, that this was not to be, and I got back on all my Medicines.
During this time however, the same type of emotional transformation which took place the first time I went off my meds, happened again, only on a deeper level and scale. It was because of this second emotionally healing experience, that I was able to do more, and have a greater capacity to grasp and understand concepts in life, of which I was previously unaware of.
I thank my God for providing these miracles and insights, because it makes my life so much better suited for growth, in a way in which I can be more competitive, and understand enough, to maintain and do well in employment, school, church, and all other endeavors I my life. I can now grow forever, without limit.
This second miracle of my emotional healing from my time off medications is in need of an explanation as well. Because a person needs to be clear headed enough to talk through their problems, to heal emotionally, a person needing medication to be clear headed, doesn’t have many options to do so, because the same medicine making them clear headed, also blocks their emotions. My miracle came as I was off medicines. As I mentally digressed, the Lord was able to take the portions of me which were ill and hurting, and apply the atonement to me on a molecular level. For an example, for the emotional pain of a certain kind stored in the cells in my belly area, the Lord applied His atonement specifically to these cells in my belly, according to the certain needs required to heal them.
Now, after getting back on my medications, I met with my doctor, and we did a medication adjustment. I then needed more of the dosage of Zyprexa, because my brain had healed from the brain damage, by means of the blessing I had received, thus I had more room in my brain for the medications to perform their proper functions. I was more whole, and in significant ways. I needed less Cilexa however, because with the brain and emotional healing, I was less anxious. With this miracle, I continued my progress.
In 2016, I met with my Doctor about a medication change, because I was having too many stressor symptoms. He recommended adding Abilify to the already prescribed doses of my other medications, saying that Zyprexa and Abilify are for the same ailment, but work very differently in the brain. He said that it would be good to see if they could both help with “covering all the bases.”
It has been a great help, and the difference has been miraculous! I also found that I could do even better a month later when I increased the Abilify.
Then I found work a third time at Deseret Industries, in which I worked with some of the many programs and services they offer. They paid for technical schooling, where I again attended M-Tech in April of 2017, to become certified in the pursuit of becoming an IT Technical Support Specialist, but I did not finish this. However, I learned all that I desired to in that subject, which has helped me with some of my other pursuits, as well as in understanding my older brother’s occupation in networking.
Every turn I take I have found a new treasure of pain and sorrow in me, which I uncover, and need to face in my pathway of growth and recovery on my journey home. I use the word treasure, because I find that all pain, suffering and sorrow, ministers to who we are as a person, and helps us become greater than we could ever possibly be without it. I use the word home, because the way I handle these trials determines how I bless and secure my heavenly home.
As I have duly progressed, I have found more and more success, and I see and acknowledge the hand of the Lord in my life more and more. As my early life had been one big ball of pain, misery and destruction, over and over, year after year, with no real respite, a desperate, angry and indolent fight, with persecution, agony, and abuse throughout all of it, I had a lot of work to do and go through it. I am still working through my recovery process today, and although my childhood was horrendous, I have found my emotional and mental healing, as well as brain damage healing. God has given me a new soul, and I am whole.
I am stil taking medications, and Good had said, as I give my service to others, He will take from me any remaining emotional, mental and even social challenges and burdens I face.
In the beginning of 2019, I met with my doctor again, and after dialogue and discussion, he recommended that I switch out the medication of Cilexa for Prozac, noting that I could switch them without having to taper the medicines off or on. Since this has taken place, I don’t struggle as much with my anxiety, and I am less depressed. I am even able to have more, better, and higher thoughts, which helps me to act in ways that improve my life.
With all of these miracles, my life has been God reaching out to me, helping, and bringing me in, allowing me to taste of home, giving me peace and joy throughout all the turmoil. Although hell to experience, Heavenly Father has indeed brought me little by little, piece by piece, into the sun. I have been so blessed and rewarded, as I have a beautiful family, and infinite blessings to come.
My wife and I have been happily married for over 15 years, and we have two sons and a daughter, who are the joy of our lives. My pathway to full recovery is very well on the way, and I see myself as having no limitations at all for the future.
At this point, as I put my trust in God, and have Him as my guiding light, I know and feel His love. Each day I strive to do something more, even difficult challenges, things I didn’t know I could do.
It is in the use of our Lord’s atonement, that we can stretch ourselves and accomplish all things, even eternal growth, no matter what happens in our lives. Our lives are tailored to us by God according to what we need.
I now have a wonderful job again, working in the same field, caring for and serving individuals with emotional, mental, developmental and physical challenges, yet, with a different company, a much better one.
I recently met with my doctor about my sleeping 10 hours at night, and being tired throughout the day. We adjusted my morning “activating” medicine up to 30 mg, and lowered my evening “sedating” meds down to 10 mg. Since these two medicines work in the same part of the brain, with my Schizoaffective disorder, yet work differently in this area to help with this condition. I am seeing some great outcomes.
My belief is that any time a person experiences side effects from medications, it is because it’s either the wrong dose, or the wrong medicine. So far this change is proving to be very good.
To succeed at staying in my recovery, I am seeing my doctor at Wasatch Mental Health, taking my medications, working at Danville Services in Provo, spending quality time with my family, nurturing them as husband and father, and feeding myself spiritually with the words of God and attending the Temple.
I am also active in my church service and faith. I love to read, write, play the drums and piano, sing and dance. I love my life, wife and kids, and feel like it’s a beautiful new beginning! Thank you.
Before the barriers between God, Jesus and me were removed, I carried the stresses of all those around me, starting at age 21, through means of being an absorber. This is as a result of having a poisonous substance injected into the roof of my mouth at age 17, by servants of the enemy, which caused four of the most severe of mental illnesses and brain damage to occur. Pre-accompanied by these, were traumatic psychological, physiological and abusive mind changing experiences I underwent at age 3, and 6.
From the time of the second abuse at age 6, to the event which caused this condition and phenomenon at age 17 in the first place, I experienced much negative “programming,” which caused me to learn and take on the ways of the adversary, to my dishonor and utmost personal shame.
Because of all the issues caused by this, I had, although unavoidably, put up barriers between me and deity, through choices as a child. Having suffered these when I was age three, six and seventeen. At age 6 I was told by the Holy Ghost from God that, “You are of utmost importance to my plan and kingdom here on the earth in these last days. If you allow me, I’ll make all these things better for you.” I then told Him, “But you weren’t there for me! Go ahead and try to do it without me!”
Several things occurred from these indignities. I later acquired the four major mental illnesses, brain damage and other majorly complicated, insane, disturbing, emotional disturbances and baggage, all in a contorted cocktail of difficulty, which compounded, and made life very difficult indeed.
With all of these things on top, plus the negative programming and mental illnesses, this made for a Satanic “lock,” and Godly “quest,” to somehow survive and begin to thrive, through all of these compounded struggles this caused.
But this wasn’t all. During the evil abuse at age six, which I was miraculously able to survive alive, among the several torture methods used during these ritualistic abuses, I had also been cursed with three majorly evil curses, which were only able to be removed during my two years of service inside the La Jolla, San Diego, California, Latter-Day Saint Temple, of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, during my two year service mission as a young adult, when I was age 24-26.
Also, having these four mental illnesses, evil spirits had a greater access to me, with the ability to harass and torture me directly, which they did so.
With all the previously outlined layers, emotional, physical, mental, social and lack of healthy outlets and life skills, plus the mental illnesses, plus these causing evil spirits to have a greater and direct access to me, all working against me in the very worst of ways, trying to recover was an all out war.
Life’s challenges were all compounded. Plus, I never had the connection of family or friends, because I was too much for them to relate to, so, I had God. All of these things twisted in the most horrendous of mixes, made life very difficult for me, although I was misunderstood by all, howbeit, I was the source of inspiration to my family, helping them to move on, regardless of how they felt about me. I prayed for them, and shared my light with them and worked with them to improve in their personal lives.
How? Because I had God. God stepped in and said, “This is My son, he’s not being taken care of. I will do it!”
God then came down from Heaven, and carried me out of personal destruction, and pulled me back to His light. He carried me in a wonderfully, powerful and amazing way, which is beyond mortal comprehension.
A little history of this instigating, Satanic “family’s” interactions with me:
Having been sucked into this “family” through their two boys, with fantasy and toys, and having been emotionally tied in to them because of the ritualistic abuse I suffered at age six, I tried to make friends with the enemy, thinking that in trying to fix them, I could also fix myself.
Not even remembering the abuse until I was at age 21, when my brain was more stabilized on medication, I had still felt that something was wrong, and this cycle of me trying to make myself well by changing them, is one of the reasons these cults abuse children this way in the first place. They know this phenomenon is very real, and it causes their “victims” to stay, and keep coming back to them.
Finally, at age seventeen, when my bishop told me he had angels speaking to him about me, I decided I needed to make the break away from them, still realizing that I was too much for my own family to handle, but seeing this as the better alternative for me, I did so.
Yet having been lured back over one last time to say goodbye at age seventeen, and to in and of myself show them that I was stronger than them, I was then knocked out through something they gave me in drink, and I was given through injection into the roof of my mouth, a poison which was intended to kill me.
Immediately on my way walking home, I felt my mind descend deeper and deeper, even until I arrived at home, wherein my mind was in utter darkness, even at all the resistance I tried to put up to stop it from doing so.
Since my recovery of life from age 21 until now, being the 24th of July 2020, I had in essence tried living for the Lord, without Him, a very hard road indeed, and this is how I’ve had to live and function, after the choices I made, to live a more separate life from God’s grace and relationship. For I hated God for what I went through, but He still helped me, despite this anger. It was the Lord I despised most, but He was also willing to help me anonymously, until I could love and forgive them both.
Because of this, and not having the coping resources, I cut off in measure, an open, clear and direct correspondence between God and myself. I’ve had to not only bear my own griefs and stresses, because of all I’ve been through, but also with this added type of separation, as well as my dilemma as outlined earlier, and because of other laws and influences which exist and that be in motion, both good and bad, I also had to, by means of my mental illnesses and thinner veil, bear the weight of all things, pertaining to God’s plan for me, and my role therein.
This, as well as of all those around me, as was stated, howbeit, Christ did carry me, even at the peril of my non-acknowledging relationship with Him. This at the bitterness of my own soul toward His, for at those times, I hated Him.
My help, although from Him, came at the hand of the Father, because I would not accept the Savior as a being in my life, but the Father I would.
As someone once explained it to me, this type of absorbing other’s stresses is a condition known as being an Empath, which I know I am. This has been an extremely exhausting, rough and unbearable road and route to go, but necessary for me somehow.
As of today, I have been changed and have forgiven my Savior and Father, for even though my life had to play out this way, even a tougher road than imaginable, I realize that I have been in the wrong, in not loving them, and have come to accept and love Them, regardless of the pathway they chose for me to tread, howbeit I chose to agree to this life.
This is, and can be a great blessing for me, and I would not have conceived it possible, but I’m glad that now that I’m in Their direct care, and not “my own” anymore, I can have inner peace.
Our mother earth was created to save and exalt mankind. She is our foundation. Her battles against sin, war and pollution are as real as ours. Her works, labors and fruits are a testament of her love for us, and God. Praise be to our God, for our Grand Mother Earth, Eden, and all the Lord’s creations upon her!
The definition of agency is simply, the ability to do good. It is a fruit of the Lord’s atonement. There is nothing negative about it. Everyone has choice, even the adversary, for he chooses how to carry out his purposes. He wanted no agency, therefore he denied himself that privilege. He has placed himself in a position were he cannot, and will not do anything good. We all get what we want. Let us be better agents with our agency, to act, and not be acted upon.
This post is about conversion in Jesus Christ. Not just about believing in, or even believing Him, but actually in coming to know Him, and then accepting Him as our Savior. Then we can proceed to begin the process of becoming one in Him, or as the scriptures state, atonement, or, at one with him.
I would also emphasize being like Him, as a cucumber becomes a pickle while being fully immersed in the juice formulation, even so, to be like Jesus, we too must be fully in the formulation of His character and traits, with His Spirit to always be with us, around and penetrating within us.
It’s about being like Him, doing as He does, thinking and feeling as He does, being truly converted into his likeness, image and glory. For to be like Him, we must take upon us our true selves, even becoming the best version of who we are, reflecting Him and His goodness in our very countenance and nature. For we truly are His as we become like Him. We come unto Him, to truly be who we really are meant to be.
We are not yet perfect, but can be truly perfect in Christ now, by taking upon us his name, by which we take upon us His yoke. In this we can move forward, equally yoked with him, sharing the load, and pulling side by side together with our Master. A true master is equal as a partner in gospel living. For the pulling is balanced, pulling through the “Oxen’s yoke.” In this partnered relationship of love, both His and ours, we then have the perfect opposition made possible through His perfect balance, omniscience and grace.
As we give our very best efforts, Christ bears and affects His enabling grace and strength into us, which gives us power to pull and move forward. The rest of the needed effort is given by Him in this yoked [sealed] relationship.
This is what it means to be perfect in Christ here and now. To have His yoke or, “to bear His cross.” For with Him we are perfect, until we are made perfect by and through and in him. For it is by God’s grace that we can do anything good in the first place. It is even by Him we move forward. For His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.
Because of this enabling partnership, we are never given more than we can handle, and we can always receive optimal growth, through our struggle of the challenges He gives us for our growth. We can be grateful for these hardships. As we do so together in Christ, we can truly begin to learn to be Closer in Him, and at one. For He is our example and literal life source.
Yes, we indeed need our Jesus! He is OUR Savior. Not some other God’s Son and people’s Savior, but our own! We NEED to trust in our brother Jesus Christ, the Holy and Anointed One, for our survival, perpetuation, joy, happiness and peace. We depend on Him, and we must follow the lead and directions of the Carpenter’s Son. He is ours, Let us be His!
In Him our lives are played out, for He took our lives into His body during the atonement, wherein we can deny ourselves, take up His (our) cross, and follow Him down our true road, to eventually become even as He is. This path is where we all must go. Like the Father, like the Son, like unto us.
Closer In Thee
Even as the Son is in Thee, I want to be, growing from seed, Giving glory in holy sanctity, Closer in Thee.
As the earth is to tree, I want to be rooted in peace, Founded in holy increase, Bound up, never to leave.
My soul’s richness, Deepens in living waters, Ever flowing pure and evenly, In the time we spend in beauty.
My life enlivens with childlike excitement, Jubilant in divine, holy love, In unity and celestial thrill, As we approach time on our sacred hill.
Our love is one of truth, A tender bond of loyalty. Giving our whole souls as proof, Sealed in the bosom of eternity.
I cry out to all families, Throughout all unending space, Time and the eternities, Remember your Godly place!
Secure your family line and home on high, With relationships divine, husbands and wives, Children, Fathers, Mothers, Brothers and Sisters, All entwined throughout eternal lives.