A Catch 22
As a consumer of psychiatric medications, I feel it is always naturally a harder thing for me to feel a love connection with others. I think that although the medications I take help me be at a more proper, stable state of mind mentally, by stimulating and altering it, it is not a natural, but a drug induced high. I don’t have the actual, stable, mental or emotional grounding beneath me to stand upon, so it is very difficult for me to factually, and actually connect emotionally with anyone.
Consequently, this has also been a huge contributor to my sexual addiction deficit, and also why I believe I never felt I fit in with the Addiction Recovery Support Groups.
Also, the fact exists that antipsychotic medications are made from the same sources and substances, as what unlawful drugs are made from, some mentally ill people use these illegal drugs to “self-medicate.”
The difference is, that these meds, which are strictly controlled, are actually made to be a “slow release” version of these same substances, and sometimes made to be combinations, or “cocktails” of these otherwise illegal drugs, not prescribed by Doctors as medications.
Another factor, is that these drugs in their illegal use form, which send a person’s brain chemistry up way too high and fast, and then back down lower than before, are harmful to our brains, because the extremity of their effects are not healthy or good, and can actually cause mental illness problems.
My mind is one, which needs the medications, to stimulate my mind to work at the proper levels, because of having a truly bonified set of mental illnesses, not just stress or even street drug induced, for I never took drugs.
I was in fact, injected with what I believe was a rat poison in the roof of my mouth, which literally gave me 4 of the worst mental illnesses, and worst case scenarios of them, and brain damage.
I believe this injection would have killed me, except for the miracle I experienced, which only happened because I keep the Word of Wisdom, which is the Lord’s health code with covenant promises from Him.
This happened when I was 17, and because of being around these demonic people who did this, I was programed and treated very negatively by them all growing up.
So, being all bundled up, with these worst-case scenario mental illnesses, brain damage, emotional baggage, plus having evil spirits having a more direct access to me because of the mental illnesses, and having a thinner spiritual veil, all combined in the very worst of ways, only the Lord knew and could comprehend my lot and course, for my recovery pathway in life. Fortunately with Him, everything is possible!
It wasn’t until later, until under the direction of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, that I was healed of the brain damage, even to the understanding that I had previously had it. Because a person who has brain damage, doesn’t know they have that ailment, because the part of the body which measures self-illness awareness, is the brain, and if it is not working properly, it cannot discern the challenge it faces.
After this brain damage healing miracle occurred through a priesthood blessing, I became much smarter, more aware of things, and all around more intelligent, than I could have previously comprehended.
This miracle took place when I was 40 years old, as I was constrained by the Holy Spirit to finally ask for a priesthood blessing of healing, for I had previously felt it was not God’s will to ask of this. I also thought the blessing was for the mental illnesses, not knowing about the brain damage.
In the blessing I experienced, something very interesting, miraculous and marvelous occurred, in the phenomenon of my brain damage healing, which is a story for another time.
Things did not play out in the way I had expected, however. For in the blessing were stated these specific words, “To stop taking the medications.” So I did, and then had the experiences I will share here:
Although the brain damage at this point was completely healed, I went off all the medications, and experienced the following, in which I found the solution to the problem of the Psychiatric Medications Dilemma for myself.
There is a solution, which I found spiritually, in the crucible of a very difficult experience. It was when I was off my medications as mentioned for 3 months, and this was the second time of only two times which occurred in my mental health maintenance, each time lasting 3 months exactly. The first time happened when I lost my medical benefits, and couldn’t afford medications. This literally happened because I married someone who is not “disabled.”
During this second time of no medications, the Lord allowed me to see certain things spiritually, for with mental illness comes a thinner spiritual veil, and being off of medicines this veil was even thinner. I could also feel certain parts of my emotions, because of not being on the medications, which would normally block them. And with God sustaining me somewhere in the middle ground, between my mental, spiritual and emotional health, I was in a place where I could function enough, to have a complete experience, in an environment that I could be thus inspired.
During this duality of environment, both spiritually, emotionally and mentally, it created the proper laboratory of learning and revelation, which for me led to the miraculous blessings of emotional, spiritual and mental healing, all to the degree which I experienced at that time. I received the instructions from the Lord, which I will describe thus here:
While in this state, the Lord provided a way for me to emotionally heal more, although not completely. Nonetheless, this experience did provide me with an understanding of the solution I needed, to fully face this medication and emotional/human relationship dilemma.
Picture this, say I was carrying some emotional baggage and pain in my body in my back, between my shoulders. The Lord would then take his atoning sacrifice experience, and apply his atoning blood and healing to me on a molecular level. Such as where there was a body cell of mine, carrying a grievance or sickness from a bad life experience or abuse, the Lord would then apply, cell to cell, His atoning blood and sacrifice, and l would truly be healed in that place, and in that way, bypassing the need to talk about it, or have any other form of modern therapeutic processes.
Now, think of this in a multiplied manner, where many cells are addressed, and you can begin to see where some real healing can be gained. This is how the Lord worked in me to help me heal more, emotionally and mentally during this off medicine experience.
When I did finally get back on my medications, after 3 months of not being on them, I since have seen a huge difference in my improvement, for I am no longer emotionally tied down to the emotional disabling baggage deficits, as I once was. Mentally I was cognizant of do much more, thus allowing me to be more successful in my life ambitions. It was a slow, uphill battle to return to being stabilized, once returning back to medications, but since then, it has been an upward, forward moving growth and trajectory for me. Because the brain damage is gone and I’m emotionally/mentally healthier, things are far better. I have discovered that I am smarter, wiser, and can comprehend and do much, much more.
Now, switching tracks and going back to these medications, which have to be strictly controlled, for an overdose of them will potentially have the same “high” effects as the “street” drug versions, but also be more deadly, because they are more potent. This is because they have more drug dosage in them, so they can last longer over time throughout the day, but are slow release. This is why people die when they “drug” overdose with these controlled medications.
The horrible thing about these substances from the illegal use side of things, is that the quick, intense, and fast high given to the brain chemistry on use, can have the effect of causing addiction, and mental illness concerns and problems.
Either way, illegal or controlled, these substances both have their negative effects on a person’s life. But at least for a person with mental illness, when using controlled medications for their treatment, they can get some sort of sanity, usually minus having emotional relationships with others, because of the dilima. Yet, if they did have friends and good relationships, this would most likely add to their mental and emotional stability, and provide more of a strengthened recovery foundation for the road of health they are traveling on.
When it comes to overcoming mental and emotional health deficits, it’s like a catch 22, because with having mental illnesses, while taking medications, in order for me to heal emotionally, so I can move forward, and actually move to have my necessary mental, social and emotional healing, I would generally need to not have to take medication, because with the induced disconnect of an unnatural high from medications, I would not be able to emotionally connect and heal. For to heal, one needs to feel their damaged emotions, and work their way through them to move forward.
On the other hand, if an individual were off medications, then they would not be in a healthy state of mind mentally, to be able to properly process these emotions, and overcome these deficits anyway.
If one could heal emotionally, then their mental issues would also follow suit, and would be better managed, or even resolved, but it just doesn’t work this way, for most individuals who suffer with mental and emotional challenges. Especially in a case like mine, where my brain has legitimate mental illnesses, as from the inflicted poison spoken of earlier.
Others, who just need a better diet, family relationships, friends, and therapy, and or other more healthy and natural treatments, can get off of or not go the route of medications, but for legitimate illnesses, they are necessary.
It is worth noting here, that a study done by the University of Utah, showing by scientific study and experiment, that the same areas and chemicals that are affected in the brain when one feels the Holy Spirit, are the same in the regions and chemicals effected, when one uses drugs, illegal or otherwise prescribed. The difference, is that one is healthy, true and right, namely the Spirit, and the other is unhealthy, and not right, or ethical.
Because I have full on legitimate mental illnesses, the only way in which I can ever expect to experience a whole recovery and healing, is if I were to continue on my medications, and work very, very hard to do my very best, while allowing God to carry me, and help me become as mentally and emotionally strong as I possibly can be, that I’d be placed in a situation and position, where I’d be in the presence of the first presidency, and have them place their hands upon my head, and pronounce upon me a priesthood blessing of healing. That within this profound blessing would also be pronounced the words, to “Not ever again take medications.” Then I’d be healed and free! But the only purpose I can see for that ever happening, is if I was to be seated before the first presidency as part of being set apart as a further covenant and ordinance, in that of being called to serve the Lord, as an especial witness of Him.
If you can begin to understand my thinking on this subject of the Lord’s continuous revelations to me concerning His will over the matter. But I’ve known about this calling since I was 14, before any mental illness problems ever evolved, but that’s also another story.
I know that the things I struggle with, the Lord knows. He also has a way of reconciling my trials, while strengthening and teaching me at the same time. Pretty cool how He works actuality. I’m very grateful for the medications, and happy to have to take this cross, if it only means that others can be blest by my journey and enduring example.
I hope I can be an advocate in the future for folks, maybe by being a public speaker or key note, or even some sort of other type of facilitator.
Something I have been pleasantly made aware of, is that even though I have severe mental challenges, and medication issues, I am still all here. Meaning, I am still Shane Robert Brown. Every part of who I am is still here with me, and I am physically trying to live out my spiritual life the way I am and can.
One other thing to note, is that because I’m always on a somewhat drug induced high, it’s more difficult to recognize having the Spirit, because as before stated, the Spirit activates the brain in the same areas as the drugs do, prescribed or street form. Thus, the pull for people to utilize and sell illegal drugs is high. Pun intended. They get the high, but without doing the work to get there.
I know also, that part of feeling the Spirit is also an emotional effect. For the Spirit speaks to our whole souls,, both in heart, and in mind. For example, when you hear or see something which makes you have feelings of love and appreciation for say your daughter, in a spiritual manner, maybe touching your feelings of love and for her, the Spirit will attend this message of truth for you, with the love which you feel for her.
This is why is feel so blessed to have been emotionally healed as much as I have, to be able to recognize this, and have these sacred feelings.