The Psychiatric Medications Dilemma, and their Solutions

A Catch 22

When it comes to overcoming mental and emotional health deficits, it’s like a catch 22. With having mental illnesses, and taking psychiatric medications, in order for one to heal emotionally, so they can move forward, and actually move on to have the necessary mental, social and emotional healing they need, to overcome their challenges, they would generally need to not have to take psychiatric medications. This, because with the drug induced disconnect of having an unnatural high from taking the medications, they would then not be able to emotionally connect to their emotions, and feel then to heal. For to heal normally, one needs to feel their damaged emotions, and work their way through them, through therapy or otherwise.

On the other hand, if a mentally ill individual is off their medications, then they would not be in a healthy state of mind mentally, to do what would normally be done in the process of healing their emotions, such as therapy, to overcome these deficits anyway.

If one could heal emotionally, then their mental issues would also follow suit, and would be better managed, or even resolved, but it just doesn’t work this way, for with most individuals who suffer with mental and emotional challenges, this very real barrier has never been overcome. Especially in a case like mine, where my brain has legitimate mental illnesses, as from an injected poison I will be speaking of hereafter.

Others, who just need a better diet, family relationships, friends, and therapy, and/or other more healthy and natural treatments, can get off of or not go the route of medications at all, but for most individuals, and especially for legitimate mental illnesses like mine, meaning a physical brain malfunction, they are most definitely necessary.

It is worth noting here, for further understanding of these medications, that a study done by the University of Utah, showing by scientific experiment, that the same areas and chemicals that are affected in the brain when one feels the Holy Spirit, are the same in the regions and chemicals effected, when one uses drugs, illegal, or otherwise prescribed – psychiatric drugs (a slow release version of such). The difference, is that one is healthy, true and right, namely the Spirit, and the others are unhealthy, not normal, right, nor ethical. In the case of mental illness need, I, as a consumer of psychiatric medications, must do the next right thing, which is to take my medications.

As a consumer of psychiatric medications, I feel it is always naturally harder for me to feel and have love connections with others. This because although the medications I take help me be at a more proper, stable state of mind mentally, by stimulating and altering my brain, it is not a natural, but drug induced high. I don’t have the actual, stable, mental, or emotional grounding beneath me to stand upon, and so it is very difficult for me to factually, and actually connect emotionally with anyone. Consequently, this has also been a huge contributor to my sexual addiction deficit, and also why I believe I never felt I fit in with the Addiction Recovery Support Groups.

Also, the fact exists, that antipsychotic medications are made from the same sources and substances, as what unlawful drugs are made from, and many mentally ill people use these illegal drugs to “self-medicate.”

The difference is, that these meds, which are strictly controlled, are actually made to be a “slow release” version of these same substances, and sometimes made to be combinations, or “cocktails” of these otherwise illegal drugs, not prescribed by Doctors as medications.

Another factor, is that these drugs in their illegal use form, which send a person’s brain chemistry up way too high and fast, and then back down lower than before, are harmful to our brains, and the extremity of their effects are not healthy or good, and can actually cause mental illness problems.

My mind is one, which needs the medications, to stimulate my mind to work at the proper functioning levels, because of the fact of having a truly bonified set of mental illnesses. And these, not stress, nor even street drug induced, for I never took drugs, nor crumbled under the extreme pressures of stress I lived in all growing up. I was in fact, injected in the roof of my mouth with what I believe was a rat poison, which literally gave me 4 of the worst case mental illnesses, and the worst case extremities of them, as well as brain damage, which complicated things exponentially.

I believe this injection would have killed me, except for the miracle I experienced, which only happened because I keep the Lord’s Word of Wisdom, which is the Lord’s health code with covenant promises from Him.

This injection happened when I was 17, and because of being around these demonic people who did this, I was programed and treated very negatively by them all growing up.

So, being all compounded, with all these worst-case scenario mental illnesses, brain damage, emotional baggage, plus having evil spirits having a more direct access to me because of the mental illnesses, having a thinner spiritual veil, where they could directly torment me, and all these combined in the very worst of ways possible, only the Lord knew, and could comprehend my lot and course, and what it would take for recovery in my life. Fortunately for me, with Him, anything is possible! And I mean everything!

It wasn’t until much later, under the direction of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, that I was healed of the brain damage, even to the understanding that I had even had it in the first place. For you see, a person who has brain damage, doesn’t know they have that ailment, because that part of the body which measures self-illness awareness, is the brain, and if it is not working properly, it cannot discern the challenges it faces.

After this brain damage healing miracle occurred, through a priesthood blessing, I became much smarter, more aware of things, more capable, and all around more intelligent, than I could have previously comprehended.

This miracle took place when I was 40 years old, as I was constrained by the Holy Spirit to finally ask for a priesthood blessing to heal my illnesses, for I had previously felt it was not God’s will to ask of this. I also thought the blessing was for the mental illnesses, not knowing about the brain damage.

In the blessing I experienced, something very interesting, miraculous and marvelous occurred, in this phenomenon of my brain damage healing, which is a story for another time. Nevertheless, this healing proved to be a life changer for my entire existence.

However, things did not play out in the way I had expected, for in the blessing were stated these specific words, “To stop taking the medications.” So I did, and then had the experiences I will share here, which eventually led to me finding the solution, at least for me, of emotional healing, despite mental illnesses and Psychiatric medications.

For although the brain damage at this point was completely healed, I went off all my medications, and experienced the following, in which I found the solution to the problem of the Psychiatric Medications Dilemma for myself.

There is a solution, which I found spiritually, in the crucible of a very difficult experience. It was then, when I was off my medications for 3 months, which was the second and last time of going off meds, which occurred in my mental health maintenance experience, each time lasting 3 months exactly, that this occurred.

The first time I was off meds, happened when I lost my medical benefits, and couldn’t afford medications. This literally happened because I married someone who is not “disabled.”

Now, during this second time of no medications, the Lord allowed me to see certain things spiritually, for with mental illness comes having a thinner spiritual veil, and being off of medicines, this veil is even thinner. I could also feel more certain parts of my emotions, because of not being on my medications, which would normally block them. And with God lifting me up, and sustaining me, somewhere in the middle ground, between my mental, spiritual and emotional health, I was in a place where I could function enough, howbeit under very difficult circumstances to endure, being immersed in an enigmatic environment and experience, that I could thus be inspired.

During this duality of environment, both spiritually, emotionally and mentally, it created the proper laboratory of learning and revelation, which for me led to the miraculous blessings of emotional, spiritual and mental healing, all to the degree which I experienced at that time. And it was at this time that I received the following instructions from the Lord, which I will describe here:

While in this state, the Lord provided a way for me to emotionally heal more, although not completely. Nonetheless, this experience did provide me with an understanding of the solution I needed, to fully face this medication/emotional/ mental/human relationship dilemma.

Picture this, say I was carrying some emotional baggage and pain in my body in my back, between my shoulders. The Lord would then take his atoning sacrifice experience, and apply his atoning blood and healing to me on a molecular level. Such as where there was a body cell of mine, carrying a grievance or sickness from a bad life experience or abuse, the Lord would then apply, cell to cell, His atoning blood and sacrifice, and l would truly be healed in that place, and in that way, both physical and spiritually, thus bypassing the need to talk about it, or have any other form of modern therapeutic processes.

Now, think of this in a multiplied manner, where many cells are addressed, and you can begin to see where some real healing can be achieved. This is how the Lord worked in me, to help me heal more, emotionally and mentally, during this off medicine experience.

Now when I did finally get back on my medications, after 3 months of not being on them, after God communicating to me in no uncertain terms that I had to get back on them, and right then, I have seen a huge difference in my improvement. For I am no longer emotionally tied down to the emotional disabling baggage deficits I once had, and I an free to move forward.

For mentally, I was cognizant of, and could do much more, thus allowing me to be more successful in my life, dreams and ambitions. It was a slow, uphill battle to return to being stabilized, but once returning back to medications, and since then, it has been an upward, forward moving growth and trajectory path for me, and I love it. It’s not easy, but it’s worth every bit.

Because the brain damage is gone, and I’m also emotionally/mentally healthier, things are far, far better. I have discovered that I am smarter, wiser, and can comprehend and do much, much more than I ever could before.

Now, switching tracks back to these medications, which have to be strictly controlled, for an overdose of them will potentially have the same “high” effects as the “street” drug versions, but also be more deadly, because they are more potent. This is because they have more drug dosage in them, so they can last longer, over a longer time throughout the day, and are slow release. This is why people die when they “drug” overdose with these controlled medications.

The horrible thing about these substances from the illegal use side of things, is that the quick, intense, and fast high given to the brain chemistry on use, can have the effect of causing addiction, and mental illness concerns and problems.

Either way, illegal or controlled, these substances both have their negative effects on a person’s life. But at least for a person with mental illness, who when using controlled medications for their treatment, can get some sort of sanity, usually minus having emotional connections and relationships, they can live a fraction of the life they might, if things were different. For with mental illness, lack of emotional self connection, and thus relationships, and all the other quantifiers which make recovery virtually a lost cause, all the very things they need to succeed in life are striped away, and blocked from life for good, without the hope of renewal. Unless, they travel the road less traveled and fight.

Let’s face it, interpersonal connections are needed, which if had, friends and good relationships, would most likely add to an individual’s mental and emotional stability, and provide more of a strengthened recovery foundation for their road of health they are traveling on. But this usually isn’t the case, at least for me.

In my own circumstance, because I have full on legitimate mental illnesses, and in my personal opinion, the worst of the worst, yet am doing the best of the best, the only way in which I can ever expect to fully experience a whole, full and complete recovery and healing in this life, is if I were to continue on my medications, and work very, very, very hard, as I’ve been doing all along, while allowing God to carry me, and help me, and become as mentally and emotionally strong and healthy as I can possibly be, that I’d be placed in a situation and position, where I’d be in the presence of the first presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and have them place their hands upon my head, and pronounce upon me a priesthood blessing of healing. That within this profound blessing would also be pronounced the words, to “Not ever again take medications.” Then I’d be healed and free! But the only purpose I can see for that ever happening, is if I was to be seated before the first presidency, as part of being set apart as a further covenant and ordinance, in that of being called to serve the Lord, as an especial witness of Him.

So if you can begin to understand my thinking on this subject of the Lord’s continuous revelations to me concerning His will over me in the matter, for I’ve known about this calling since I was 14, before any actual mental illness problems ever evolved, but that’s also another story.

I know that the things I’ve struggle with, the Lord knows, and He also knows and has a way of reconciling my trials, while strengthening and teaching me at the same time. Pretty awesome how He works actually. I’m very grateful for the medications, and happy to have to take this cross, if it is my only means to properly prepare me to bless the lives of many others, through my journey and enduring example.

I hope I can be an advocate in the future for folks, maybe by being a public speaker or keynote, or even some sort of advocate or facilitator.

Something I have been pleasantly made aware of, is that even though I have severe mental challenges, and medication issues, I am still all here. Meaning, I am still Shane Robert Brown. Every part of who I am is still here with me, and I am physically trying to live out my spiritual life the way I can and am.

One other thing to note, is that because I’m always on a somewhat drug induced high, it’s more difficult to recognize having the Spirit, because as before stated, the Spirit activates the brain in the same areas as the drugs do, prescribed or otherwise. Thus, the pull for people to utilize and sell illegal drugs is high. Pun intended. They get the high, but without doing the work to get there.
But know also, that part of feeling the Spirit is also an emotional effect. For the Spirit speaks to our whole souls, both the heart, and mind. But the drugs only pull at the mind and brain, striping the sacred experience in half.

This is why I feel so blessed to have been emotionally healed as much as I have, to be able to recognize this, and to have some of these sacred feelings restored. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.


My Recovery Timeline

My Peace I Give Unto You

In 1990 at the age of 14, I started exhibiting mental illness symptoms. Although without reliable medication until age 21, I was able to graduate High School, through some home schooling the last semester of my senior year, as well as through a week of school in an adolescent psychiatric hospital in Southern California, called Mesa Vista. I was hospitalized two times there within a one-year period in their locked adolescent unit, both in 1994 and 1995 at age 17. This was through Kaiser Permanente Health Care, which my Dad utilized through his work’s health insurance.

During my second concurrent stay in this adolescent hospital, which was only several months after the first, near the end of my stay, one of the counselors finally made the statement that he thought I might have schizophrenia.

When I got home and told my Dad, he was upset and overwhelmed, but as time went on, it was a relief to him to understand more of what I was facing. Almost two years later as an adult, I was hospitalized two more times. The first in 1996 at age 20 in the Mesa Vista Adult Hospital Facility, another locked Unit, even though I had still not been diagnosed. While there, they started testing me for mental illnesses, and tried different medications, none of which worked.

The second locked adult unit hospital stay came in January of 1997, when my Dad again used his work benefits, but this time I stayed at the Grossmont Psychiatric Hospital, also in Southern California. While there, I was finally put on Risperdal, a three-week brand-new medication which helped a lot.

Once I was back home, my Mom and Dad seemed to see that I was a completely different person, all in about 5 weeks! After 3 months, I became medication incompliant, because the emotional turmoil inside me, which I began to feel more readily because my brain’s chemistry being more balanced, it was too much for me to handle at that time, so I stopped taking the medications.

It was at this time that my Father arranged for me to live in a Board and Care facility, where they provided room, food, and medication assistance. I was there for 8 months, until the end of July of 1997.

While there I returned to medication, after having a spiritual experience, which I’ll describe here: I was visiting a friend, at which point in the visit I was alone in his room, listening to his Latter-Day Saint church music. I was there contemplating taking the medication again. It was then that I had the Holy Spirit say to me in a still small, yet audible whisper, “Shane, you need to take the medication. It will slow you down, but in the long run, it’s what you need.” And so, recognizing this for what it was, I did.

After stabilizing back on my medication, and after 8 months’ time, I was able to return to my family’s home again to live.

In 1998, when I turned 22, my Kaiser Permanente Psychiatrist asked me how I was doing. I told him that I felt the medicine Risperdal was starting to fail, and stop working. He said he had heard cases of where this had happened. I told my Dad about this, and he was concerned. My belief and understanding, is that the body sees the medications as a foreign substance, and begins to build up a resistance to it.

A week later, my Dad had me meet with a Doctor who worked directly with his work agency, for my Dad was a Therapist. This Doctor, Doctor Diachic, re-diagnosed me with Schizoaffective and Bipolar Disorders, and knew what medications and what doses to put me on. She had me on Zyprexa and Depakote, and extremely high doses of both, even more than is recommended. I progressed well with these.

Two years later at the age of 24, I had improved enough to be called to serve a Temple Service Mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, at the San Diego Temple in La Jolla, California.

My Dad had counseled with very many young missionaries, through his work as a therapist for the church, who had tried staying in the mission field, most of whom could not, for various mental and emotional reasons, so he was excited about this latest development in the church, which began piloting a program to make church service missions available for young adults, as an alternative to traditional proselytizing missions. I strongly believe that this was in part to the three letters my Dad had personally written to the First Presidency of the church over the years concerning this specific need and matter.

It was finally on the 24th of October 2000, when my mission began. I had gone with my Dad to the Temple three days prior on the 21st, to receive my own Temple Covenants, so I could be fully qualified to serve.

After I had served for one year, my family wanted to test my ability to venture out on my own. They helped me move out at age 25, with the help of the Social Security Income I was receiving as a disabled person. I moved into a Senior Living Unit, which I could live at because of my disability.

While there, I finished my mission, and continued to be active in church, with friends, and activities with other young adults my age.

After my mission, about 1 year later, my family needed a change of scenery, so they moved to Utah. Three months before they moved however, I again met with Doctor Diachic, because my medications were again losing their ability to help. She put me on Abilify, a newer medicating, which began to work great!

With this, my family all moved, except for one sister, who had just married, and was living in the newly remodeled old family home.

After successfully living on my own for 4 and a half years with no roommates at all, two of which I only had this sister living nearby, and having acquired a job in 2005, in a sheltered work environment through my church, at a Deseret Industries in Chula Vista California, I received a call from my Mom. She said that they decided to buy a house in Utah, and that they would let me come live in the condo they had originally purchased when they moved there.

They moved out December 31, 2005, and I moved in January 1, 2006, after the biggest young single adult Church New Year’s Southern California Bash in history. I loved it!

Once in Utah, I immediately got a job with the help of my Dad, through this same Deseret Industries, a thrift store outreach program to help people get back on their feet through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Other jobs soon followed, each one an improvement from the last.

While living in Orem Utah, and working at this Deseret Industries in Provo, and 2 months after moving to Utah, I met my future wife Katherine, while performing my Church calling of Young Single Adult Ward Representative for the Stake Institute (Ward meaning congregation, and Institute meaning religious instruction Institution). We dated for five months, were engaged for five months, and married by the and of the year in the Saint George Latter-Day Saint Temple. It was 8 days before the 2007 New Year, and I was 30 years old.

Three months later, I received a letter that my medical and financial benefits had been stopped, because I had married someone who is not disabled. This made it impossible for me to purchase medication at this time. This time lasted for three months.

At this period of trial and great alarm, I received a priesthood blessing from a friend visiting from California, which made it so I would not completely crash and lose all my progress, but rather that the digression would be slowed, and I would be able to get back up on my feet, once medication was restored to my mental health maintenance.

After three months’ time of no medication, I slowly regressed, yet still fought to maintain my mental health. I then finally received my Medicaid (medical) Health Benefits back, and received a Medicaid Card in the mail, which allowed me to once again receive medication. My SSI income was still denied, of which I’m glad, because I don’t want to live in such a way where I receive something for nothing.

From there I again fought my way forward, even becoming healthier than I had ever been, and on less medication than before. This is so because as I had previously been on medication, which dulled my emotional response, making it impossible for me to deal with the deeper inner emotional baggage and turmoil I still had, I was suddenly without the medication. With the priesthood blessing I was given, and having the Holy Spirit with me, I was held up enough to be able to deal with these emotional problems, as I slowly digressed. Then when I again got back on medication, and no longer had that deeper layer of inner emotional turmoil, I not only improved again, but was also able to function even higher and better, and continue in my progress, which is something that had stopped for me previous to this experience, because I had plateaued in my progress. I had been fighting and fighting through the pain, but only getting worse, as it had begun to drag me down.

Then, once back on medication, and the baggage gone, I continued to move up and forward, which I understand is very difficult to do, after not talking medications for an extended period of time. I was able to do so because of the truths and the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ living in me, made possible through His suffering. Building on the foundation of Jesus Christ and his restored gospel, is the only way, and a great defense against relapse. It really works!

I continued on Abilify and Depakote from July of 2007 to July 2011, when I then felt I needed something extra help with my anxiety. I found a Psychiatrist who recommended a drug called Cilexa, which is commonly used for anxiety. This gradually began to help, until I felt my symptoms were manageable, but not perfect.

In 2009, I started a one-year Technical school course in Medical Office Administration at M-Tech College. I graduated in 2010, also fulfilling a successful externship, provided by the school at the Utah State Mental Hospital in Provo, Utah, which place I chose to gain office experience, but I did not then get a job in the medical office administration field.

In November of 2014, I again felt the main psychiatric medicine stop working. First it was Risperdal, then Zyprexa, and now Abilify!

I tried to find the same Doctor I had previously used, who had prescribed the Celixa, but he had retired a year before. There was another psychiatrist I went to, who asked me about Zyprexa. I told him I had been on it once before, but it had not lasted. He asked if I would be willing to consider trying it again. I asked him if I could pray about it there in his office. He said yes, so I took one minute. 30 seconds to pray, and 30 to listen. I then told the Doctor, “Yes, let’s do it!” I was then on Zyprexa, Depakote and Cilexa. They worked very effectively for me.

In November 2012, I started working for a company called Chrysalis, which is a company which provides group home assisted living for mentally, developmentally, emotionally and/or physically challenged individuals. I was a Direct Support Professional (DSP), and enjoyed it very much. While employed there, I cared directly for the individual’s needs, providing outings, talk time, daily care and giving them medications.

Then in November of 2015, another miracle happened. I had never asked my Dad for a priesthood blessing of healing, because I felt it was not God’s will for me, believing that there was inspired purpose for my struggle. However, during a visit with him, I felt inspired, and even constrained by the Holy Spirit, to ask him for one. We set up a time, and my family gathered for the occasion. Although this blessing did not heal the mental illnesses, as I had originally thought it would, it did heal the brain damage I had received, when I had originally been given these mental illnesses at age 17.

Suffice it to say, my mental and emotional issues never came from my family per se. I was not born with these mental illnesses, nor did I get them from overwhelmed stress, although there was plenty of that my entire life. Also, I never messed around with drugs, alcohol, sex outside of marriage, or anything else that was unhealthy or damaging. Howbeit at those times I was too unpopular for anyone to even approach me on these topics, so I was protected in that regard.

My abuse came from a Satanic cultist “family,” who had kids my age, and lived around the corner on a side street. They tied me in emotionally to them, in a way in which I will explain here. Because I could not remember the satanic ritualistic abuse I had suffered at their hands at age six, after which they had given me the earliest and only antipsychotic medicine at the time, Haldol, these memories were blocked out as a coping mechanism. Yet, I still felt somehow that something was wrong, and believed that if I could fix them, I could also fix myself.

This is one of the reasons these cults do ritualistic abuse to kids in the first place. They know that children will attempt to resolve any lost part of themselves, by making “friends” with the enemy, and always return to them to do so. I would always find ways to “hang out” with them, rather than my own family if I could. It wasn’t until years later, when I was stabilized on medication, that I even had these ritualistic abuse events come to my remembrance, and in great detail.

Now returning, after the blessing my Dad had given me, I felt very different, in a very good way. As I had closed my eyes during the blessing, I saw beautiful light neon blue pulses, flash in a very interesting repeated pattern three times. Someone once told me later that this color represents healing. Now after this, according to the words of the blessing, I did something very dangerous. I went off all my medications cold turkey, thinking that the difference I felt was the healing of the mental illnesses, no knowing that this was actually healing from brain damage I didn’t know I incurred, at the time I also received the illnesses through injection.

This is dangerous to do, because of the heavy withdrawals one goes through, immediately after cutting out these controlled substance medications.

Because of this, and after struggling at work, they found an indiscreet way to fire me. This time off my medications was once again a time frame of 3 months. I again realized spiritually, though in a different way, that this was not to be, and I got back on all my Medicines.

During this time however, the same type of emotional transformation which took place the first time I went off my meds, happened again, only on a deeper level and scale. It was because of this second emotionally healing experience, that I was able to do more, and have a greater capacity to grasp and understand concepts in life, of which I was previously unaware of.

I thank my God for providing these miracles and insights, because it makes my life so much better suited for growth, in a way in which I can be more competitive, and understand enough, to maintain and do well in employment, school, church, and all other endeavors I my life. I can now grow forever, without limit.

This second miracle of my emotional healing from my time off medications is in need of an explanation as well. Because a person needs to be clear headed enough to talk through their problems, to heal emotionally, a person needing medication to be clear headed, doesn’t have many options to do so, because the same medicine making them clear headed, also blocks their emotions. My miracle came as I was off medicines. As I mentally digressed, the Lord was able to take the portions of me which were ill and hurting, and apply the atonement to me on a molecular level. For an example, for the emotional pain of a certain kind stored in the cells in my belly area, the Lord applied His atonement specifically to these cells in my belly, according to the certain needs required to heal them.

Now, after getting back on my medications, I met with my doctor, and we did a medication adjustment. I then needed more of the dosage of Zyprexa, because my brain had healed from the brain damage, by means of the blessing I had received, thus I had more room in my brain for the medications to perform their proper functions. I was more whole, and in significant ways. I needed less Cilexa however, because with the brain and emotional healing, I was less anxious. With this miracle, I continued my progress.

In 2016, I met with my Doctor about a medication change, because I was having too many stressor symptoms. He recommended adding Abilify to the already prescribed doses of my other medications, saying that Zyprexa and Abilify are for the same ailment, but work very differently in the brain. He said that it would be good to see if they could both help with “covering all the bases.”

It has been a great help, and the difference has been miraculous! I also found that I could do even better a month later when I increased the Abilify.

Then I found work a third time at Deseret Industries, in which I worked with some of the many programs and services they offer. They paid for technical schooling, where I again attended M-Tech in April of 2017, to become certified in the pursuit of becoming an IT Technical Support Specialist, but I did not finish this. However, I learned all that I desired to in that subject, which has helped me with some of my other pursuits, as well as in understanding my older brother’s occupation in networking.

Every turn I take I have found a new treasure of pain and sorrow in me, which I uncover, and need to face in my pathway of growth and recovery on my journey home. I use the word treasure, because I find that all pain, suffering and sorrow, ministers to who we are as a person, and helps us become greater than we could ever possibly be without it. I use the word home, because the way I handle these trials determines how I bless and secure my heavenly home.

As I have duly progressed, I have found more and more success, and I see and acknowledge the hand of the Lord in my life more and more. As my early life had been one big ball of pain, misery and destruction, over and over, year after year, with no real respite, a desperate, angry and indolent fight, with persecution, agony, and abuse throughout all of it, I had a lot of work to do and go through it. I am still working through my recovery process today, and although my childhood was horrendous, I have found my emotional and mental healing, as well as brain damage healing. God has given me a new soul, and I am whole.

I am stil taking medications, and Good had said, as I give my service to others, He will take from me any remaining emotional, mental and even social challenges and burdens I face.

In the beginning of 2019, I met with my doctor again, and after dialogue and discussion, he recommended that I switch out the medication of Cilexa for Prozac, noting that I could switch them without having to taper the medicines off or on. Since this has taken place, I don’t struggle as much with my anxiety, and I am less depressed. I am even able to have more, better, and higher thoughts, which helps me to act in ways that improve my life.

With all of these miracles, my life has been God reaching out to me, helping, and bringing me in, allowing me to taste of home, giving me peace and joy throughout all the turmoil. Although hell to experience, Heavenly Father has indeed brought me little by little, piece by piece, into the sun. I have been so blessed and rewarded, as I have a beautiful family, and infinite blessings to come.

My wife and I have been happily married for over 15 years, and we have two sons and a daughter, who are the joy of our lives. My pathway to full recovery is very well on the way, and I see myself as having no limitations at all for the future.

At this point, as I put my trust in God, and have Him as my guiding light, I know and feel His love. Each day I strive to do something more, even difficult challenges, things I didn’t know I could do.

It is in the use of our Lord’s atonement, that we can stretch ourselves and accomplish all things, even eternal growth, no matter what happens in our lives. Our lives are tailored to us by God according to what we need.

I now have a wonderful job again, working in the same field, caring for and serving individuals with emotional, mental, developmental and physical challenges, yet, with a different company, a much better one.

I recently met with my doctor about my sleeping 10 hours at night, and being tired throughout the day. We adjusted my morning “activating” medicine up to 30 mg, and lowered my evening “sedating” meds down to 10 mg. Since these two medicines work in the same part of the brain, with my Schizoaffective disorder, yet work differently in this area to help with this condition. I am seeing some great outcomes.

My belief is that any time a person experiences side effects from medications, it is because it’s either the wrong dose, or the wrong medicine. So far this change is proving to be very good.

To succeed at staying in my recovery, I am seeing my doctor at Wasatch Mental Health, taking my medications, working at Danville Services in Provo, spending quality time with my family, nurturing them as husband and father, and feeding myself spiritually with the words of God and attending the Temple.

I am also active in my church service and faith. I love to read, write, play the drums and piano, sing and dance. I love my life, wife and kids, and feel like it’s a beautiful new beginning! Thank you.

Miraculous Happenings

Meeting With The Savior

Note: This is an excerpt from my current project “Transcendence – Mind Insights – My Story, My Road: An Intimate Perspective of Mind Disorders”, an autobiography I am excited to bring to fruition.

At this point in my writing, I will now add in spiritual experiences I’ve had that I feel are exponentially important to the subject of interest at hand. These I will enter in, as this is the first attempt I’ve ever made to write them out. I will also portray the truthfulness of these experiences, for had these experiences not been true, and given to me by the Holy Spirit and spiritual nature of them, I would have long forgotten them, after these many years which have since transpired from the time that I received them.

As I have mentioned somewhat of the difficulties which I have faced with my mental illness, I have not as yet mentioned the reality of the gross hold which the adversary did once have on me. Although I have always been a good person at heart, and never intentionally evil, despite the fact of all the abuse and pressure upon my soul, I was further wrought upon by the influence of evil spirits, to the fact they had more power over me due to my mental illness. If I have not as yet made myself clear of the unfair advantage that evil can have on persons with mental illness, I will do so here.

First I will need to go into some true doctrines taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They are this: We lived before we came here as spirit children of our Heavenly Father. We knew and loved Him, and He us. He presented a plan that would send us here to earth, to provide us with physical bodies, which would also be a part of our test. We are to be stewards of our bodies, and learn to take care of them and make correct choices, thus keeping the commandments of God. Heavenly Father knew that we would need to have these earthly experiences to enable us to become more like Him, and gain the reward of all that He is and has. For this is His desire, work and glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.

As part of this plan we would need to forget about our prior life with Him, and learn to walk by faith. All of this to create the proper battle ground to achieve the very best in who we are, and who we are to become. This forgetting is referred to as having a veil placed over our minds, to cover that part of our memory, so that we cannot remember living with God, so that we may learn to have faith, walk in obedience, and earn our reward in heaven. I believe that this veil has two parts. The first is to veil the feelings we had from living with our Father in Heaven, so that we would need to again learn to know Him, and the second, to veil the memories we had with Him there too.

Now I will explain the portion of evil that the adversary had over me. It is true that there is a portion of the veil which is thinner, or less in force, for people with mental illness. It is the portion of the veil which deals with having the ability to feel what we had with Heavenly Father in the world before we came to earth. Satan fully knows this, and has jumped right in to take full advantage of this. This state of having a thinner veil in this manner is really a condition of being able to feel heaven’s presence stronger, or the devil’s presence stronger.

With people who become mentally ill, it is usually because of some abuse they’ve had in life, or drugs, or other factors related to genes passed down from their family. I will not attempt to discuss this subject in any detail here, because there is so much to know, but it will be discussed in another part of this book.

Because of these situations of how and why people become mentally ill, Satan already has some form of darkness to hang over the heads of individuals with mental illness, and he goes full force and all out to stop these individuals from any progression they might have, if they were to realize their ability to also become closer to God through this condition. With this in mind, know that it is truly a miracle which can happen for anyone and everyone who has a mental illness, to go from the death, hell and misery of mental illness, to the ability to be and feel closer to God, through the means previously discussed. As for me, it is a great and treasured privilege I possess, to be able to have a closer, more perfect way of accessing the powers of the Lord and heaven, through this thinner portion of the veil.

It is now time to tell you of the first experience I had of a spiritual nature, which you might not have understood or appreciated, had I not first instructed you concerning the nature of these things. It was at this time in my life, when I had evil doing all it could to overpower me. I must first describe the three levels at which evil can influence us. The first is darkness and temptation, as all are viable to. The second, being what is called possessed by a demon or devil, as was recorded in different places in the Holy Bible, where the devils had a measure of physical and mental control over the individuals. The third, is what is in-between these two. This third, or middle area, is the category I fell into. I know for a fact, that had I been evil in my core, I would have been possessed. It was my good heart and intentions which prevented this from being the case.

In this state of me fighting the evil which sought to ultimately possess me and bring me to destruction, I fought moment to moment, with no time for rest or respite. A time in which it was the devil’s desire to fight me into a place where I would succumb to the evil being pushed upon me, so that they, or it, could have total possession of my body, with me still inside it.

I fought, and fought, and fought, but oh how hard it was, when at every turn they would hamper and influence me toward other stuff, poisonous to my soul, as well as my family’s.

It was during this difficult time in our lives, when I was seeing an LDS counselor, who was in the middle of getting his practitioners license. He had been a convert to the church, and had experienced many great and wonderful things concerning the church, with spiritual experiences and feelings. He had been giving firesides, which is a term for describing an event in which a person or persons would have the opportunity to go to various Wards and Stakes to share their story, experiences, and testimony. He was well loved and highly respected.

It was at this time that I was in a session with him, and because of the evil spirits interfering with my very soul, it was evident that not much progress was being able to be made. At this point the room got very quiet, even in a manner which silenced the adversary which was upon me. Then this good brother commenced, in a noticeable difference of tone and spirit, and he said to me, “Now, let’s try something different. I want to try an experiment with you. Let’s just play a game and say that you can go anywhere you want to. If you want to go to the right, move you hand to the right, and you can go as far to the right as you want.” And he motioned to me with his hand. He then continued, “If you want to go to the left, move your hand to the left, and you can go as far to the left as you want.” He then said, “If you want to go up…,” and as soon as he said this, I moved my hand up.

As soon as I had done so, I literally left my body and went up, up, up into space, where it looked darker, as it would look being above the earth from space, intermittently dotted with the stars of heaven. Once at a certain place I stopped, and there I saw the Lord Jesus Christ appear about 10 feet away. He was not facing me, but was facing sideways, even to my right. It was there that something very significant and spiritual happened.

At this time I need to teach another doctrine taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints so that you can understand what I’m about to discuss. In the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, we are taught that we have always existed as intelligences, and were then born as the literal children of our Heavenly Father. This means that our intelligent spirits were then clothed upon through birth from our Heavenly parents, with an added dimension. This was that our intelligences were then added upon with the ability to feel, have emotions, and to give and receive love. Interesting to know as well, is that both parts of our spirits, the knowledge or intelligence, and the emotional or feelings parts, are both in the image of God, even as we now look. For as the scripture states, we were formed (our physical bodies) in the image of God. We are our spirits, with the ability to learn and feel, now clothed in a physical body, all in the image of God, for He is our literal Father. All three parts of us together are referred to in the church as the soul. We are now living with the veil to help us be tested and prepared to live with God again.

Now for the experience. At this time, as I saw the Lord ahead of me, a part of my spirit separated from me, and went and stood before the Lord. I could not see any form or part of this other part of me, but I knew that it was in the shape of a man, because the Lord reached around and embraced it, and in the same motion, kissed this other spirit half of me on the face, three times on each cheek. I then became aware that this other part of me, the feelings part, began to converse with the Lord. The Lord told it, that He would grant me a gift, any gift I would ask. I was then aware that this part of me asked the Lord for protection from the evil which so easily had influence in me, that they could no longer enter in to torment me. The Lord granted.

This emotion part of me then came back to me, the Lord left, and again united, I moved my hand down so that I began to come back down to where my body was. It was at this time that a curious phenomenon occurred. As I now had my hand moved down, moving back down to again enter into my body from space, my body’s hand was still moved up as previously, to have me go up. As I rejoined with my body, the strangest feeling happened regarding my hand. It was as if moving my hand down when it was already down, for my spiritual hand was already down, and my body’s hand was up. This felt so strange, and it puzzled me to a great degree.

When I again was in the presence of the councilor, he continued on as he was, and he then suggested to me that we say a prayer. He asked if I would have him or I say the prayer. I said him. We then closed our eyes and he began. It wasn’t long into the prayer when he suddenly stopped and said to me, “Shane, do you know that there is fire all around you?” I said, “No.” He said, “Yes, that’s why I stopped praying.”

Then as he continued, I kept sensing something off to my left which was troubling to me. The councilor prompted me and said, “Don’t worry, they are angry, but they can’t hurt you.” I then ignored these evil spirits, and they went away, now having no more power to be in me, or even around me as powerfully as before. With this gift which gladly took place, my recovery was now on a more even playing battleground, and I was able to begin to make some real progress.


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