A Catch 22

When it comes to overcoming mental and emotional health deficits, it’s like a catch 22. For with having legitimate mental illnesses, and taking psychiatric medications, in order for one to really heal emotionally, so they can move forward, they would generally need to not have to take psychiatric medications. This, because with the drug induced disconnect, of having an unnatural high from taking medications, they would then not be able to emotionally connect with their emotions, to be able to feel them to heal. For to emotionally heal, one needs to feel their damaged emotions, and work their way through them, through a variety of therapies. On the other hand, if a mentally ill individual is off their medications, then they would not be in a healthy state of mind mentally, to do what would normally need to be done therapeutically, to emotionally heal, such as talk, or any other forms of effective therapy, to overcome these deficits. With legitimate mental illnesses like mine, meaning the physical brain has a chemical malfunction, no matter what the cause, be it stress, street drugs, or even being injected as I was, medications are most definitely necessary.

It is worth noting here, for further understanding of these medications, that a study done by the University of Utah, showing by scientific experiment, that the same areas and chemicals in the brain that are effected when one feels the Holy Spirit, are the same in the regions and chemicals effected, when one uses drugs, illegal, or otherwise prescribed (psychiatric drugs – which are a slow release version of such). The difference is, that one way is healthy, true and right, namely the Spirit, and the other ways are unhealthy, not normal, right, or ethical. In the case of mental illness need, as a consumer, I must do the next right thing, and that is to take my psychiatric medications, regardless of the disconnect.

Also, as a consumer of psychiatric medications, I feel it is always naturally harder for me to feel and have the needed love connections with others I desire, because of the medications, but with them, I have a much better opportunity, for with a more proper, stable state of mind mentally, I can still at least still be somewhat in the same ballfield as others, no matter how sundry I play my role. For by stimulating and altering my brain, even though it is not natural, I can at least begin to have some grounding beneath me to stand upon, to do so. Otherwise, I’d be a downtrodden mess, not even a spectator of the game. I take my medications very seriously, and though I don’t have the actual thing I want, I still choose, knowing better, the next right thing.

Now, because I have not had the seamless emotional connection route with others, this has consequently been a huge contributor to my sexual addiction, and also why I felt I never fit in with the Addiction Recovery Support Groups.

Also, the facts exists, that antipsychotic medications are made from the same sources and substances, as what unlawful drugs are made from, and many mentally ill people use street illegal drugs, to “self-medicate.” The difference is, these medications, which are strictly controlled, are actually made to be a “slow release” version of these same substances, and sometimes made to be combinations, or “cocktails” of them. Do not partake of any drug, unless it has been prescribed by Doctors as medications. This is very important.

Another factor, is that these drugs in their illegal use form, which send a person’s brain chemistry up way too high and fast, and then back down lower than before, are harmful to our brains, and the extremity of their effects are not healthy or good, and can actually cause mental illness problems.

I believe this injection would have killed me, except for the miracle I experienced, which only happened because I keep the Lord’s Word of Wisdom, which is the Lord’s health code with covenant promises from Him.

This injection happened when I was 17, and because of being around these demonic people who did this, I was programed and treated very negatively by them all growing up.

So, being all compounded, with all these worst-case scenario mental illnesses, brain damage, emotional baggage, plus having evil spirits having a more direct access to me because of the mental illnesses, having a thinner spiritual veil, where they could directly torment me, and all these combined in the very worst of ways possible, only the Lord knew, and could comprehend my lot and course, and what it would take for my recovery in life. Fortunately for me, with Him, anything is possible. And I mean everything!

It wasn’t until much later, under the direction of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, that I was healed of the brain damage, even to the understanding that I had even had it in the first place. For, a person who has brain damage, doesn’t know they have that ailment, because that part of the body which measures self-illness awareness, is the brain, and if it is not working properly, it cannot discern the challenges it faces.

After this brain damage healing miracle occurred, through a priesthood blessing, I became much smarter, more aware of things, more capable, and all around more intelligent, than I could have previously comprehended.

This miracle took place when I was 40 years old, as I was constrained by the Holy Spirit to finally ask for a priesthood blessing to heal my illnesses, for I had previously felt it was not God’s will to ask of this. I also thought the blessing was for the mental illnesses, not knowing about the brain damage.

In the blessing I experienced, something very interesting, miraculous and marvelous occurred, in this phenomenon of my brain damage healing, which is a story for another time. Nevertheless, this healing proved to be a life changer for my entire existence.

However, things did not play out in the way I had expected, for in the blessing were stated these specific words, “To stop taking the medications.” So I did, and I then had the experiences I will share here, which eventually led to me finding the solution, at least for me, of emotional healing, despite mental illnesses and Psychiatric medications.

For although the brain damage at this point was completely healed, I went off all my medications, and experienced the following, in which I found the solution to the problem of the Psychiatric Medications Dilemma for myself.

There is a solution, which I found spiritually, in the crucible of a very difficult experience. It was then, when I was off my medications for 3 months, which was the second and last time of going off my meds, which occurred in my mental health maintenance experience, each time lasting exactly 3 months, that this occurred.

The first time I was off meds, happened when I lost my medical benefits, and couldn’t afford medications. This literally happened because I married someone who is not “disabled.”

Now, during this second time of no medications, the Lord allowed me to see certain things spiritually, for with mental illness comes having a thinner spiritual veil, and being off my medicines, this veil is even thinner. I could also feel more certain parts of my emotions, because of not being on my medications, which would normally block them. And with God lifting me up, and sustaining me, somewhere in the middle ground, between my mental, spiritual and emotional health, I was in a place where I could function well enough, howbeit under very difficult circumstances to endure, being immersed in an enigmatic environment and experience, that I could thus be inspired.

During this duality of environments, both spiritually, emotionally and mentally, it created the proper laboratory of learning and revelation, which for me led to the miraculous blessings of emotional, spiritual and mental healing, all to the large degree which I experienced at that time. This was what I received at this time, following these specific instructions from the Lord, which I will describe here:

Picture this, say I was carrying some emotional baggage and pain in my body in my back, between my shoulders. The Lord would then take his atoning sacrifice experience, and apply his atoning blood and healing to me on the molecular level. Such as where there was a body cell of mine, carrying a grievance or sickness from a bad life experience or abuse, the Lord would then apply, cell to cell, His atoning blood and sacrifice, and l would truly be healed in that place, and in that way, both physical and spiritually, thus bypassing the need to talk about it, or have any other form of modern therapeutic processes.

Think of this in a multiplied manner, where many cells are addressed, and you can begin to see the real healing which took place. This is how the Lord worked in me, to help me heal more, emotionally and mentally, during this off-medicine experience.

Now when I did finally get back on my medications, after 3 months of not being on them, after God communicating to me in no uncertain terms, that I must get back on them, immediately, right then and now, I have seen a major difference in my improvement. For I am no longer emotionally tied down to the emotionally disabling baggage deficits I once had, and I am free to move forward.

For mentally, I was cognizant of, and could do much more, thus allowing me to be more successful in my life’s dreams and ambitions. It was a slow, uphill battle to return to being stabilized, but once returning to the medications, and since then, it has been an upward growth and trajectory path for me, and I love it. It’s not easy, but it’s worth every bit.

Because the brain damage is gone, and I’m also emotionally/mentally healthier, things are far, far better. I have discovered that I am smarter, wiser, and can comprehend and do much, much more than I ever could before.

Now, switching tracks back to these medications, which have to be strictly controlled, for an overdose of them will potentially have the same “high” effects as the “street” drug versions, but also be more deadly, because they are more potent. This is because they have more drug dosage in them, so they can last longer over a longer time period throughout the day. This is why people die when they “drug” overdose with these controlled medications.

Either way, illegal or controlled, these substances both have their negative effects on a person’s life. But at least for a person with mental illness, who when using controlled medications for their treatment, can gain sanity, usually minus having solid emotional connections with others. With mental illnesses, and having a lack of emotional self-connection, it makes it difficult to have healthy relationships with others, and all the other quantifiers which make recovery virtually happy.

With mental illness, all the very things needed to succeed in life are striped away, and blocked from life for good, without the hope of renewal. Unless, one travels on the road less traveled, and fights.

Let’s face it, interpersonal connections are needed, which if had, these friends and good relationships most always add to an individual’s mental and emotional stability, providing more strength to their recovery foundation, for the road of health they are traveling on. But this usually isn’t the case, and for the most part hasn’t been for me.

In my own circumstance, because I have full on legitimate mental illnesses, and in my own opinion, the worst of the worst, yet am doing the best of the best, the only way in which I can ever expect to fully experience a whole, full, and complete recovery and healing in this life, is if I were to continue on my medications, and work very, very, very hard, as I’ve been doing all along, while allowing God to carry and help me, and become as mentally and emotionally strong and healthy as I possibly can, that I’d be placed in a situation and position, where I’d be in the presence of the first presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and have their hands placed upon my head, and pronounce upon me a priesthood blessing of healing. That within this profound blessing would also be pronounced the words, to “Not ever again take medications.” Then I’d be healed and free! But until that happening, I will always take my medications. The only way I can see that ever happening for me, is if I was to be seated before the first presidency, as part of being set apart as a further covenant and ordinance, in that of being called to serve the Lord as an especial witness of Him, and no longer be limited, as a servant son of His.

So, if you can begin to understand my thinking on this subject of the Lord’s continuous revelations to me concerning His will over me in this matter. I’ve known about this calling since I was 14, before any actual mental illness problems ever evolved, but that’s another story.

I know that the things I’ve struggle with, the Lord knows, and He also knows and has a way of reconciling my trials, while strengthening and teaching me at the same time. Pretty awesome how He works. I’m very grateful for the medications, and happy to have to take this cross to bear, even if it is my only means to properly prepare me to bless the lives of many others, through the miraculous journey I’ve been on. I hope I can be an advocate in the future for folks, maybe by being a public speaker or keynote, or even some sort of advocate or facilitator.

Something I have been pleasantly made aware of, is that even though I have severe mental challenges, and have needs to take medications, I am still all here. Meaning, I am still Shane Robert Brown. Every part of who I am is with me. I am me, and am happy to be me. I am physically trying to live out my life spiritually, the best way I can and am.
One other thing to note, is that because I’m always on a somewhat drug induced high, it’s more difficult to recognize having the Spirit, because as before stated, the Spirit activates the brain in the same areas as the drugs do, prescribed or otherwise. Thus, the pull for people to utilize and sell illegal drugs is so high. Pun intended. They get the high, but without doing the work to get there.

But know also, that part of feeling the Spirit is also an emotional effect. For the Spirit speaks to our whole souls, both the heart, and mind. But the drugs only pull at the mind and brain, striping the sacred experience in half. This is why I feel so blessed to have been emotionally healed as much as I have, to be able to recognize this, and to have some of these sacred feelings restored. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Shane